Here's a hypothetic conversation that might have happened if Hollywood was a person and we had Me: Ok, Hollywood, I get it. You're just out for a quick buck. That's fine. I guess I can respect that. "Gotta get paid" and all that.
Hollywood: LOLZ, FUCK YOU UR MOVIEZ I EAT THEM UP!
Me: There's no need to get hostile, I just mean you did a pretty good job of destroying my childhood dreams when you just HAD to put Aliens and Predator into the same universe. Wasn't that enough? Why not try something new?
Hollywood: ALIEN SKULL IN DA SPACESHIP, BITCH! BLEW YOUR MIND DANNY GLOVER!
Me: Right. But seriously, what's with all the remakes? I mean the Batman reboot was pretty sweet, but you, like, remade Hulk before the other was even on video. And now you're just systematically destroying every cool show or movie I loved in the 80s. Transformers, Rocky, Rambo, GI Joe, the aformentioned Aliens and Predator...Did I leave any out?
Hollywood: I DESTROY UR KARATE KID!!!
Me: Ha, yes, you most certainly did. The Next Karate Kid was definitely a low blow. Fuck you for that.
Hollywood: ...KICK YOU AGAIN!! U STUPID!!
Me: What? WHAT!?
Hollywood: REMAKE KARATE KID AGAIN!! U TOO STOOPID TO NEED NEW STORiez!!
Me: Well...I mean...Pat Morita did get an Academy Award nomination, and I guess its story is pretty timeless and the moral of the story is pretty classic and should be told to this generation.
Hollywood: NO GOOD ACTING! US MOVIE AUDIENCE DUM AND DON'T CARE. JACKIE CHAN TEACH PAINT THE FENCE!!!
Me: No.
Hollywood: TEENAGE DANNY NO TEST WELL, WILL SMITH CUTE KID IS DANNY!!! LIKE THREE NINJAS KICK BACK!!! HAHAHA NO MORAL, SLAPSTICK ONLY!!! YOU WANT THAT CUZ I SAY SO!!
Me: NOOOOOO! If there is a god make it stop. I will rip my eyes out if I have to see Lil Smith learn Karate from Jackie Chan!
Hollywood: BOOO! KARATE TOO BORING!!! KIDS WANT KUNG-FU!!! DANNY LEARNS KUNG-FU TO BEAT UP BULLIES, NOT LEARN "PATIENCE" AND COPE WITH TURBULENT HOME LIFE!! SNOOOZE!
Me: What? HE DOESN'T EVEN LEARN KARATE!? WHY THE FUCK CALL IT KARATE KID THEN? What the fuck is wrong with you, Hollywood!? YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO MEEEEEEE!?
Hollywood: LOLZ GTG HAVE TO GO RUIN TOP GUN
Me: NoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Hollywood disconnected)
While this was a fictional conversation, the chillingly disturbing content is all too real. That's right. Hollywood is, as we speak, destroying everything we know and love. And there's nothing we can do about it.
If only they could put the amount of detail and effort into the scripts that they are putting into ruining my childhood.
On a more positive note, Target has The Karate Kid Trilogy for 13 bucks. May I suggest saving your money for that rather than watching Will Smith's kid and Jackie Chan defy logic by teaching "The Karate Kid" Kung Fu.
e.
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